Thursday, September 13, 2007

Simultaneously Acted Out By Handpuppets (Where Available)

Ahhhh.. September. The herald of Autumn. Changer of tree color and bringer of cool weather. But also the rebirth of telemarketing calls.

What's that you say? Why aren't I on the DO-NOT-CALL registry? Ho-ho-hooo! But I am, mon amie. But yet some still get through to irk the last nerve we have, that we didn't think someone would irk again. "Why don't you have caller ID?" Well to be honest, I really don't get that many phone calls to even warrant the need for caller ID. Hell, if it wasn't for the fact that there are still people who do call me, I wouldn't have a need for a land-line.

But back to what I was getting on about. I made a post back in April about this little Indian individual named Kenny who kept calling me for about two months straight nearly two or three times a week trying to get me to refinance my mortgage through some shady unknown mortgage company called.. (get this) The Mortgage Company. Real original, huh? Well I told him the first time to put me on his no call list. That worked for about 3 days and he called back again. I repeated my request, and it was ignored. So then I requested he connect me to his manager. Well this must of threw them into a loop cause the person I was transfered too (read: Hands the headset to the nearest person running the phone sweat shop) and I bitched to them that I will shut down their practice if I get another phone call. Well that was ignored and I called the phone company which said there was nothing that they could do. So much for the wonderful help by the phone company. But after two months of this garbage, the calls stopped. I was over-joyed... that was until today. It had started back up again.

The phone rings and I answer it, there was a small pause and then I heard the voice. The voice of Kenny. I thought to myself, "Nah, it couldn't be him. What's the chances?" Oh let's just say that if I had played the lotto today, cause I would of won. It was the little bastard. But instead of him getting on my nerves, I would turn the tables on him and get on his nerves. I wish I was able to record the phone call and make it a sound byte for all to hear, but unfortunately I don't have any recording equipment to do so. So until I am able to do that its gonna be in text format.

So without further ado, I bring you the phone call from hell... for him that is. *grins mischieviously*


Me: Hell-O.

Unsolicited Telemarketer: Hello. My name is Kenny and I am calling because I am working with 'blankity-blank' company who can help people get out of debt. Do you have credit card debt?

Me: Why yes. Yes I do.

Kenny: Excellent. Can I ask how many credit cards, like Mastercard, visa, you have?

Me: Sure, 23.

Kenny: No, credit cards like MasterCard, Visa, and Discover.

Me: Yes.

Kenny: How many cards? 1? 2? 4?

Me: I said 23.

Kenny: Ah okay, 23 credit cards. Okay. How much are you in debt with the 23 cards? I am assuming you have at least 15 on each one?

Me: Yes

Kenny: So how much are you in debt with them all?

Me: About 60,000 in debt.

Kenny: 60?

Me: Yes.

Kenny: Okay. You are 60,000 in debt with 23 cards. We can definitely give assistance to you. The company I am working with will direct your call to an agent who will work with you in getting your debt down and help you with all your bills and they will set you up with an account. I will connect you with the agent right now, okay?

Me: Actually, I would prefer to talk to you.

Kenny: What?

Me: I said, I would prefer to talk to you. I like you.

Kenny: I'm sorry but I cannot help you. I will connect you with an agent. Please hold.

Me: No, I would prefer to talk to you Kenny. You seem to understand me.

Kenny: I cannot help you.

Me: But you just called saying you can help me.

Kenny: Yes, but not me. The agent will assist you.

Me: Nah, I rather have you assist me.

Kenny: I don't know how to... How can I help you?

Me: I don't know. You called me saying you were going to help me. So what's your advice?

Kenny: My advice is to talk to an agent. So I will connect you with her.

Me: But I don't want to talk to some unknown agent. I want to talk to you.

Kenny: But I don't know how I can help you. You owe a lot of money.

Me: Hey! I know how you can help me Kenny:?

Kenny: How's that?

Me: You seem like a friendly and sensible guy. How about you send me some money?

Kenny: No, I... I can't do that.

Me: Why not? Don't you like me? I haven't done you wrong, have I?

Kenny: What is 'done you wrong'?

Me: Well, I had an idea but you turned me down.

Kenny: I cannot send you money.

Me: I'd promise to pay you back. You trust me don't you?

Kenny: I don't have that much.

Me: But I really could use that money to help with my debt. You don't have to send much. Maybe a couple hundred to start off with.

Kenny: Sorry I can't help.

Me: I thought you wanted to help me?

Kenny: I am helping you. I will connect you to an agent that will help.

Me: No Kenny! I want to talk to you! I like you! I really, really like you!

Kenny: Please sir. Please hold.

(Hangs up and I get a dial-tone).

I so hope he calls again. Cause next time I'm gonna hit on him.

And so I now bring you a song that I truly love by the only blond that I think is totally hot (I don't care what you say). So... Enjoy!

(For better playback, push play then immediately pause to let the video load completely.)




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